Your Roots Make A Difference
. Today’s question comes from the site of Wiselike by an anonymous member.
Q: “What are the roots of your findings (about relationships)? Is it from personal experience? Or patterns that you’ve seen?” Anonymous
I’d like to give you the short version, but I think your question deserves the complete story. I’ve never told my story quite like this before, but I’ll share it today in full humility because someone needs to hear it.
Our roots make a huge difference, but they don’t define who we are, no matter what our experiences or patterns look like.
I’ve always known that before ‘doing’ in your life, you must be a human being. To know yourself means you take the time to accept where you came from, but its not what defines you. To know who you are, and why you’re here, makes standing IN your story no longer necessary. It means learning to stand ON your story as part of your growth.
The following is how my roots and my story, created my life’s purpose. I hope you find it of value.
Growing up, three of my closest friends were blind, deaf and crippled. Though my 5 siblings and I were very musical, it was my friends who taught me to see and hear things others could not. I’m eternally grateful for their teachings.
At Seventeen, I had my own apartment. I worked full time as a dental assistant and part time as a musician. I also read a bit of braille and spoke sign language pretty fluently. I found human behavior (my choices in particular), quite fascinating. My high school sweetheart had gone into the military and I would have waited for him forever had he not dated my best friend behind my back, or stood me up many times over. I say it this way for a reason that you’ll understand in a moment.
At Nineteen, I had enrolled in college, but when I met a man who was 10 years my senior, my entire life changed. He was divorced, charming, abusive, and a hurting man in deep emotional pain. He resorted to drugs and abuse to fill his void. I became so fearful of him that I didn’t escape until I was pregnant. I’ll never forget the day he followed me to a garage where I was getting my car fixed. He held me against a brick wall and threatened to kill the baby in my stomach if I screamed or moved an inch. Fortunately for me, someone came around the corner and startled him. I realized then that if I didn’t escape from this mad man he would kill my baby.
One question haunted me. “Why would you flee for the baby’s life but not for your own?” Then another, “Why did I not think my own life was more valuable than this?”
That was the moment when I KNEW – something about the way I think about myself had to change.
Marriage Doesn’t Always Make Things Better
After finally leaving the grip of my abuser, the doorbell to my apartment rang. I peered through the edge of the curtain and was shocked to see my high school sweetheart standing on the steps. I slowly opened the door. Our eyes met and he began saying all kinds of crazy things. Things I wasn’t ready to hear like, he felt responsible for what had happened to me. That he wanted to take care of both me and the baby. That this isn’t the life he wanted for me.
My mind swirled with two anger-filled words, “Absolutely not.” I desperately wanted to believe him, but I knew he was making an emotional decision. I didn’t believe he was any more capable of being a person of integrity than I was of not being someone else’s victim.
The problem was, I felt like a speck of dirt that had been kicked around since birth. It didn’t take long for me to believe that he was the only person who would be remotely interested in a hot mess like me. I let him back in to my heart.
As years rolled by our inner turmoil festered. If my, now husband, wasn’t out at sea during his Naval career, then he was at home being indifferent and harsh. I, on the otherhand, was making choices based on my emotions and creating a world that revolved around him. Between his unhealthy upbringing and military career, he was consistently dealing with PTSD, suicidal thoughts, addictions, anger and having emotional breakdowns. He treated me like an object that was focused solely on his wants, needs and desires. (His roots)
I kept busy raising our little boys, working and focusing my attention on how to please my husband so he wouldn’t take his anger out on me or the children. I was his full blown enabler. (My roots)
I knew in my heart that some day this would not be my life any longer. I tried to create healthier shifts by going to church and hanging out with friends that seemed happily married. I could also see that as our sons grew up, they took on many, if not all, of our unhealthy traits. (They’re roots)
That one question continued to haunt me however, “Why did we allow unhealthy behaviors in our life?”
I was more determined than ever to figure out why I was so submissive, why I felt lower than dirt at times and why I allowed my husband’s anger and selfish desires control me. For years I studied, read and eventually met with a psychologist who answered many of my questions. I had grown up watching my father abuse my mother regularly. She stayed with him rather than leave and raise 6 children alone. Who could blame her with 6 children in tow? She once told me that she was afraid I was going to marry someone just like my father. An angry, hurting man.
She was right. But why?
Our sons joined the military after they turned Eighteen. This was no surprise, yet it crushed my heart. They had always felt unloved by their father, and now they felt unloved by me. I saw them run from one broken environment to another. Like us, they turned to making unhealthy choices that were filling voids, not healing their hearts. I felt I failed them a hundred times over. I knew I couldn’t change the past, but I could certainly influence the future. I also become more determined than ever to create a much healthier mindset and environment for our 3rd child, our daughter, who came along much later in life.
An Unhealthy Surprise
While life has its own way of surprising you, it was my husband who surprised me the most. One morning I received a call from him. He was sobbing and telling me he was going to end his life. Though suicidal thoughts were a pattern for him, it wasn’t abnormal for him to talk about it. This day however, it was something he said that made me think he might actually do it. With the phone still in my hand I dropped to my knees on the carpeted floor. I prayed through tears and a heart full of pain, “God please help. Please send someone to comfort him. Some how, some way, show him you love him.” When I got off the floor, I believed with all my heart that God would take care of him.
A few minutes later he called again. Only this time to angrily ask, “Who did you contact?”
Confused by his question initially, I asked him why he was asking me that. He said, “Someone came in here and asked me if I was alright. I’ve never even seen him here before.”
Though I breathed a huge sigh of relief, and thanked God for this miracle, I also knew this behavior had to stop. We had to pull this root of suicidal thinking out once and for all.
I contacted a Pastor, and his wife who was a psychologist. They worked with us for one week, every single day. My husband found love and forgiveness that week for the first time in his life. They cared about his heart and his pain in a way no one else had, including me. He was able to understand why he had those thoughts and he became a changed man, for few months anyhow. Then, because I was ill equipped to handle my own pain, he allowed himself to slip backwards again and blamed me for it.
I learned how much of his belief about who he was, came from his past. I also knew I had my own root of bitterness to pull up during this time. My “lower than dirt” feeling came from my childhood also, and that root needed to be pulled out too. These lies had to stop.
Over and over I thought about that week of coaching. I relived how they worked with my husband to help him break free. Now it was my turn to break free. I prayed for days, the way we were taught, and with an open heart I found my own freedom. What unbelievable joy I felt.
We were compelled to help other couples find freedom who had been hot messes like us. We educated and trained together. We started off a little rough, even though we were helping couples and individuals to break free, it wasn’t something my husband could handle. It was, however, as if I was born to do exactly this.
Research And Study Changed My History
I studied Anthropology and Spirituality. This drew me into a steady diet of what makes up our human existence. I wanted to know what caused animalistic behaviors in humans, and whether or not we could do anything to change them. More importantly, I wanted to prevent them without the use of drugs.
During my studies I began reading biographies to our little girl. We discovered Margaret Mead, an American Anthropologist whose work emphasized the relationship between culture and personality formation. Her 47 years of research confirmed what I already knew; happiness comes as a result of living in an encouraging and kind environment. Now to you, the reader, this might sound like common sense, but to me it was exactly the opposite of the environments I had in my life. I wanted to know what it was like to be with people who were united in one cause, raising children in a loving environment and growing in community.
The next phase of my life became clear. I had to achieve that kind of an environment for the sake of our daughter, even though I knew this could potentially cause jealousy. I was compelled to try.
Turning to the study of religion, I wanted to understand why some people have great faith, and others did not. I interviewed hundreds of people from different religions. I discovered that ultimately, ‘the church’ wasn’t a building, but a body of people that were united at their core in the belief of a creator, and in most cases, a Savior.
Next came interviews with multi-millionaires. I wanted to learn the difference between those who had the ability to succeed financially and otherwise, and those who didn’t. I found that Mother Theresa was one of the richest people (she asked, and she received) in the world and so was Sir Richard Branson, but for two completely different reasons. They did, however, have two surprising rituals among them.
1. Their daily decision to speak life into their calling or success (which was astounding to me)
2. Their ability to be extremely self disciplined to making success happen, no matter what (by being very self disciplined)
Lastly, my research concluded that two or more people, uniting in faith with one goal or purpose, could bring themselves to where they wanted to be. Where two or more are gathered, Scripture says, there God is also.
I was excited by this. I began sharing my discoveries with my family. I was totally naive to think that they’d be as excited as I was. Their level of resistance was extremely high. My children were adults at that point, who didn’t want any part of what I had discovered or believed, nor did their father. It hurt, but I knew they were content with the way things were. They felt I was trying to change and control them. I wasn’t, but I understood why they felt that way. I was now an outcast in my own family.
Rejection is a natural reaction for those comfortable with the way things are. Getting use to being rejected wasn’t easy, but since it first started with my family, I figured it could only go up from there.
A Turn Of Events
After going through more courses to become a certified trainer and coach, I felt compelled to teach people what I had learned about how to love differently. Confidence rose up inside of me like an eagle soaring. I opened up a coaching practice and worked with my first couple for one solid week. Though at times I vacillated between being petrified and feeling confident, they walked away feeling so much more love than when they arrived. For the first time in my life I felt something special was happening. Word of my coaching, and writing, started to spread quickly. I had a one year waiting list after my first year. Pastors called to ask me how I was doing this and to come work for them. People came from all over the globe to experience this internal freedom, but it was about this time when tragedy struck.
In 2007, my young nephew drowned. His mom, who was my little sister, also died of cancer. While I was away from home my husband reverted to old habits and had another melt down. He gave up on me, our family (just our pre-teen daughter at home at that time), our investing business and on our marriage. Resilience became my mainstay. I did everything necessary to keep our family together (once again). But I finally realized that I could no longer change his messy diaper. From now on, he’d have to do it for himself.
The biggest shock came at the end of that year. I had a minor accident that caused a traumatic brain injury. As I flew through the air, it was just before my head hit the pavement beneath me that I said 3 little words, out loud, that seemed to come from my spirit. “Jesus save me!”
Then everything went dark.
It was six months of intense pain, daily seizures and paralysis on my right side that would come and go. That is until one morning when God showed up. There was so much love that filled my room. I saw an image in my mind that I was an author of many books, and a speaker who met people from all around the world. I didn’t know what to make of this crazy ‘day time’ dream. These were not thoughts I’d ever entertained in my life.
I quietly (but almost sarcastically) whispered, “How? How is any of THAT suppose to happen?”
Two words returned to my spirit saying; “Trust me.”
Belief And Perseverance, Brings Success
After several years of coaching, writing, and meeting incredible people, I’ve published Eight books, worked with incredible people, have an online TV show and give people a sense of what its like to live FREE. I’m not a famous person, nor an overly wealthy person. I am an abundantly blessed person who worked her tail off to understand human behavior and what healthy love looks like. Every day I thank God for my husband and for staying the course with him. He has become a great leader. I daily pray with fervency that my sons learn to forgive, not for my sake, but for their own, so they can find joy in their journey like we have. In the meantime, we focus on our daughter’s upcoming wedding, continue to build the Kellie Frazier School in Uganda, and enjoy plenty of vacations. It truly is a wonderful life.
Love is simple, not complicated. You only need a willingness to see it may not be what you thought it was.
To live in an unhealthy environment takes far more energy than living in a healthy one does.
You are worthy of the BEST life has to offer. There is a reason why you’re here. Everyone around you is your teacher. If you’re in a bad relationship then you’re here to learn why, and how to have better, healthier and stronger, relationships. This is where coaching helps. Believe me when I humbly say its something I’ve been able to master after thousands of hours of practice.
If you’ve read down this far, then you know that you’re meant for something greater, yet you haven’t accomplished what “it” is. Perhaps you would allow me to help you see it? (Click to see my Coaching Summary). No matter what others tell you, love what you are passionate about. Never allow yourself to be compromised in any other way. Keep preparing yourself to meet the opportunity that you believe will come. If you prepare long enough, and believe long enough – it will come.
Here are a few things you might learn along your journey;
- hurting people hurt other people, but it doesn’t have to be that way
- medications do not cure the pain of a broken heart or broken spirit, love does
- in order for us to be happy we need to believe in God, ourselves and each other
- when you go in one direction you have to sacrifice in another
- in order for anyone to succeed they have to get beyond limiting beliefs
- that we will never fully understand the human mind, or all of its capabilities, but we can appreciate its splendor
- that we can love one another to the very best of our abilities, yet the term ‘unconditional’ will never apply unless you can deliver it to all
If you’re in an unhealthy relationship, all is not lost. I had to separate from my husband for a time until he agreed to learn to love differently. Not only did he change unhealthy habits, but he also changed his unhealthy thoughts and emotions just like I did. He chose to step up and help me create a loving atmosphere in our home and to support the work I continue to do to teach others how to love differently. To me, that took an unusual kind of bravery. He is an amazing man that regained so much respect from me to make such a difficult choice.
People have called me a miracle worker, a thought leader, a healer, a mentor, a teacher, and they often tell me to market myself a certain way, or that I ought to make a certain amount of money in order to be successful. I’ve also heard many times that the world isn’t ready for me or my teachings.
All I know is that I live my purpose. I believe in my purpose, and no matter what others call it, or what they think is right for me, I live my heart calling with joy. I’ve never given up (some days its incredibly challenging to keep going), and I will continue to teach people how to emotionally connect to healthier love until the day I die.
I am not a psychologist, counselor, theologian or minister. I do not have a degree, nor do I promise healing or restoration to anyone. I simply ask my clients to be open, willing and honest as they work with me to bring sustainable love into their life in a unique way. Those who choose to trust this method of love, find healing, clarity and peace of mind. Those who do not go to their grave feeling emotionally pained, hurt or angry.
I love what I do to help others grow beyond limiting beliefs. I’m thankful every single day that I get to do what I love thanks to the incredible support of my daughter and her fiance’, and my husband who became rock solid in our marriage. Each moment of life has taught me to love differently, to love God, myself and others differently. When we use life as our teacher, we hope to gain knowledge so that one day we’re able to say, we accomplished our goals. For me, being married to the most wonderful man I’ve ever personally known for 33 years is pretty darn successful. I believed in him. I knew he was in there. But what I didn’t know was that one day I would help to pull the kindest part of him out. Persevering in my purpose was one of the wisest decisions I’ve ever made.
Now you know my ‘root’ Anonymous. And thank you for asking. As for the second part of your question…
What I Do
Whether coaching, interviewing, publishing books or speaking, I teach people to connect in 3 ways;
1. To greater faith (Removing unhealthy beliefs)
2. To themselves (uncovering their dreams or purpose)
3. To others (emotionally connecting to spouse, family, employees, friends)
As A Bonus: I try to encourage people to think beyond themselves by sharing that we’re here to uplift and encourage each other. The Kellie Frazier Kindergarten School in Uganda has helped 157 children to have food, clothing and education over the past 4 years. Nothing is ever accomplished by small thinking.
What we ALL do makes a difference. The choice we have is to make a difference for the better, or continue making life worse. While we don’t often know that our choices make life worse, the minute we choose to make it better, something happens to us at a biochemical level. We seek until we find answers. So for all those who want a better, happier, more joy-filled life, I say GO FOR IT. You’ll live (and die) happier inside than most people you’ll ever meet.